It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
