I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
