Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
