i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Randomize
