I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
