oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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