I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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