oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
