i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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