you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
