I just cut my nipple shaving
i barfeds in our rink
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
