Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
