She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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