There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
