I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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