I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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