I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
