i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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