I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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