I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
