Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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