Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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