I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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