Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
