if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
