I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
