i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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