her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
