He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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