Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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