So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They are going to name an STD after you.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
