Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
