my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
