im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
