i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
