I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
