I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
