I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
