I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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