My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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