one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
