I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
