In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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