WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
