Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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