I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
