we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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