i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my shit smells like andre
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
