dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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