it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize