be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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