You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
