It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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