We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
