oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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