Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
