It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
