I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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