The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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