I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
